Memo to Universe: Please Use Second Life Code to Fix These First Life Programming Bugs!

May 2009 will go down in my personal history as one of the most miserable months ever — personally and professionally.  And it made me think about how wonderful first life could be if only it had a few more of Second Life’s features!

But before I launch into my wishlist of features I think the universe should program into the physical world ASAP, I need a few minutes to process (i.e., wallow in and whine about) the exhausting cyclone that was May in my life.

The Miserable Month of May . . .

First of all, Mercury was in retrograde most of May.  Which meant that communication of all kinds — from face-to-face chats to electronic conversations — was fraught with reversals, complications, misunderstandings, and broken equipment.  My computer malfunctioned numerous times, and it often took at least twice as long as usual to get my point across.  All that time spent trying to be understood cut into my writing time (not to mention causing an excess of angry words and confused looks).

Second, May began with a trip to visit the relatives I least enjoy spending time with, and ended with a trip to some I most enjoy — but because it happened to be for a funeral, it was neither expected nor pleasant.  On top of that, the funeral trip took me away from my daily writing schedule for at least a week.

In between were an unusually enormous number of graduations, birthday parties, and celebrations, as well as some exciting writing-related appearances and events — all of which were incredibly enjoyable, but also devastating to my writing plans.

On top of that, May was the month for some massive spring housecleaning (scheduled in part because of the above-mentioned activities) and a major flooring renovation in my  house — including in my office, which was therefore a chaotic mess all month!  And you know what they say about that — your outer world is a reflection of your inner world.  It’s hard to be creative when you’re drowning in both inner and outer chaos.

Finally, because of my insane efforts to clean as fast as I could and to get the floor redone (we switched from carpet to laminate wood, and did all the work ourselves), I contorted and stressed my body so much that I totally messed up my tailbone and connecting skeletal parts — to the point where I could barely walk without intense pain.  Naturally, my chiropractor, who performs magic in putting my skeleton back together, was on vacation, so I waited too long to get my bones straightened out — which, of course, made the injury worse and the recovery longer — and also delayed the completion of the re-flooring!  (And, do you have any idea how hard it is to locate your imaginative mind when all you can think of is how much it hurts to sit, walk, sleep — even breathe??)

. . . Confirms Need to Bring SL Features to First Life!

First life should have the option available in SL to zoom up to a secret writing place in the sky!

Well, enough of my venting — which is really just a load of wimpy whiny BS coming from someone who has it pretty darn good in life.  But May’s misery prompted me to generate a list of features offered in Second Life that, if they were also implemented in first life, would make my whole life so much better!

So, without further ado, here’s my list of “First Life Bugs That Can Be Fixed by Second Life Programs”:

• Set to “busy”: In Second Life, if I don’t want to be interrupted with calls, messages, visits, etc., I just click the menu option to “Set Busy,” and even if people try to contact me, they can’t get through — in fact, I don’t even know they’re trying — unless they’re within viewing distance.  I would love to be able to sit down for a lengthy writing session and just push a button to prevent all outside disruptions. How hard could it be to program that fix into first life, anyhow?

• Sky retreats: Even with a “set to busy” function, I’d still be visible to life-forms around me — particularly cats and dogs.  So I also request a bug fix that enables me to instantly teleport to a secret hideaway hundreds of feet up in the sky, where no two-legged, four-legged, or otherwise-legged critters can find me while I’m writing.  A very valuable bug fix that would be!

In my skybox retreat in SL with "Set Busy" turned on, I can write undisturbed as my avatar -- an almost nonexistent condition for my first life self, unfortunately.

• The “poof” (aka simulated crash): This feature would be useful when you’re stuck in a meeting or talking to Aunt Mable on the phone, or other situations where you need to get back to the writing desk but don’t know how to say so without hurting someone’s feelings or pissing people off.  In Second Life, there’s always the option to simply close the SL viewer; then, when you next see the other person(s), you excuse your sudden poof-like departure by saying you “crashed” (a common enough natural phenomenon in SL, so no one would know for sure).  Now, I’ve never used this particular feature, but I know many people who have, and it’s a great backup subroutine to have available!

• Zero maintenance living: If I had to prioritize my list, this one would be at the very top.  Second Life’s programming ensures nothing ever gets dirty; hence, there’s never a need to clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry, etc., etc.  The grass is always the perfect length and color, weeds don’t exist, snow falls but never has to be shoveled, etc., etc.  Computers and other essential tools never break down.  And pets never pee in the house.  Maintenance is definitely a very bad first life programming bug, so a patch based on Second Life’s approach is a no-brainer. This fix from SL would save not just time (to be better spent on writing), but also the terrible wear and tear on the body, which zaps all the creativity from the writing mind.

• Rezzable objects: What was the universe thinking when it programmed into first life things like gravity and heavy furniture, without also adding the ability to rez and de-rez objects??!! To move my office from the basement to the ground floor (which occurred after the re-flooring project), I had to push, lift, and wrangle a ton of crap, and then beg for muscles from elsewhere to move the really heavy stuff.  If the Second Life approach had been used instead, all I’d have had to do is click on each object to de-rez it from the basement, thus putting it in my inventory (which weighs nothing and takes up no space), walk up the stairs only once, and rez the items back out of my inventory to their precise location in my new office.  My body wouldn’t be nearly so whacked out now, and most of my friends might still be talking to me!

Remodeling takes no time in SL -- just a few clicks for a whole new floor. Why can't first life be programmed to do the same thing?

• Instant retexturizing: This bug fix would have been a life-saver this past month.  Instead of: pulling up old carpet and padding in the two big rooms we refloored, then painstakingly pulling out staples, crowbar-ing off the tacking boards and baseboards, vacuuming and washing the subfloor (a particularly bad job if you have pets), scraping and sanding the rough spots, rolling out and fitting the new padding; then measuring, cutting, fitting, re-measuring, re-cutting, and finally laying the planks of new flooring — which is just a brief summary of the steps required to switch from carpet to wood floors in first life — all I’d have needed to do is: click on the floor to be changed, select the new texture, click, and voila!  My floors are all newly redone.  (This would also work for painting walls, reupholstering furniture, re-siding, and similar home-improvement projects).

• Teleportation: Now this feature, if imported into first life, would fix innumerable bugs in all aspects of physical life.  But for me, it would free up an awesome amount of time driving and flying (on airplanes, that is) all over tarnation to attend family gigs, special events like graduations and birthdays, and even funerals.  Just think what life would be like if you could teleport in and out for a quick dinner with the inlaws, instead of having to spend a whole excruciating weekend with people you have only a fragile peace truce with!

There are many other Second Life features that, if applied to first life, would make physical-world living so much more pleasant. But this list comprises the most handicapping bugs the universe give top priority to fixing in first life’s programming to ensure I never have another month like May that so mucked up my writing (and playing) schedule!

OK, your turn!  If you’ve been in Second Life, what features do you think should be imported into first life to resolve its many programming defects?  If you’ve not explored SL, you probably still have plenty of ideas for ways to improve the physical world’s “programming”; I’d love to hear your suggestions.

Tagged as: rants, Story Mountain Center for Writers, virtual worlds